Nyaguthie is Officially Taken. Me Too

am a unicorn


Lakini some vibes r just so lame. Whereas that is true, there still are some sane ones. Say for instance, i cant live without you. That’s correct depending on the tone, environment and audience. This has always worked for me until the day the laugh of my life nyaguthie left me for a half-baked university graduate with money inherited from his late father. she said she is now Taken. Issokay. I have since moved on.
Memories of the day have never departed from my mind though. We had just come from church.

“leo ukidrum nliona ukiangalia ciku ure wa mama kahuthu.” She started.

The tone and eyes I was treated to told me the long-awaited day had come. I have seen the way she smiles when a text comes in from ‘mama wa kunde’. That’s how she has saved the number that keeps on texting her. The English however i see those few moments i peep from my seat does not add up to a mama mboga somewhere even from Lavington.


So when she raised this Ciku issue, I knew she was just finding a way to get out of my kabox that could hardly take her out for lunch. The furthest out I’ve taken her is at Wakanesa kafe. We just took Mandazi and long tea. You know that tea u don’t understand whether it’s the milk that’s missing ama the sugar. Ama both. Ama its the tea leaves? Before u get to the bottom of whats missing, you already at the bottom of your cup.

The Mandazi we took was one. I told the guy serving us to bring one and cut it, split it, dissect it into two parts. I thought this was more romantic than everyone having their own mandazi. Its romantic right? Well, not for my mbiulifu Nyaguthie. She took me for a micer who cant even spend his money on his woman. Ghai!! I refrained from taking her out afterwards.

“Aiiii… Ciku mgani Nyagu? Mimi ata kanisa nkidrum ni wewe tu huwa naangalia. ” i tried defending myself.
“nyamasa. Nirikuona fisuri sana. Na nilikua sure ni yeye juu ya hio top yake hapa juu clifange irikuwa inaonekana. Najua hio macho yako vizuri sijapatana nayo leo” she retorted.

Mwathani!! Mtu anasemanga nini ikifikia hapo?

Well, i could have continued defending myself. Say something like “ata si yeye nlikua naangalia. Symoh TS alikuwa kando yake na alikua na drum sticks zangu.” but i remembered i told her to help me carry my sticks on our way to church. Saitaan!!

“Baby si hivyo…”

“si hivyo niaje… Mimi siwesi enderea kuishi na wewe… ”

“Beb u know I only have eyes for you. I Love you. You know I can’t go a day without you… I would die without you… ” I tried.

The End

Brothers and sisters let me tell you. Never try that line on Nyaguthie if you are the mama wa kunde she chats with. A few lines and my love life doomed. Rock bottom conversation going all the way south.

“Njuu kabra nikuje urikua wapi?… unajua ni masali wagapi wananifuata wewe?” She shouted back.

Well, except for Kamau wa Makara who used to give her charcoal for free sometime back, I don’t know of any other. I remember i had secretly approached Kamau and thrown on him all the kalittle English I know of in that conversation. That was the end of the free makara. And now the ‘mama wa kunde’ who I have been investigating.But just to do away with the drama that had already started inviting the attention of my neighbours (they seem to eavesdrop on every conversation we have with my Nyagu) I said wengi and knelt to seek for mercy and Grace.


Did I just say Mercy and Grace? Yes Mercy and Grace out there, and any other woman who feels for me, I hereby declare my single status. I have not yet changed on Facebook just in case Nyaguthie sees it and brings back more drama as she comes to pick up her stuff. She left me there on my knees that day. I hear she is spotted hand in hand with a certain elderly man in our village. The last time I called her, she said i should hang up because she left me and she is already taken. She even added that I should declare myself an independent candidate. Brothers and sisters, Mercy and Grace, I also today officially declare I am also TAKEN. For granted. I need a different taking.