Nyeri Woman. For those of you who know Ts well, You will agree with me that you can spot a Nyeri man as you walk the paths of wherever you are. Using TS as my case study, I will tell you features of a Nyeri man. That is if men from that part of our beautiful nation will agree with me. If not, that only confirms my doubt about Ts and manhood haha.
Anytime you see Ts, he either has his hands somewhere in front of his trousers or has a bag hang hiding the same place. Ts has a high regard for women. I put it as that because I don’t want to say he fears them.Anytime you catch Ts in the midst of women, he seems like a cock that has come from a heavy downpour. Let me leave Ts as at that for now.
I went to visit Ts last weekend at his rural home. Somewhere between Karatina and Nyeri Town. Seeing him for business matters was the reason I used for the visit. I, however, wanted to confirm whether what I hear about Nyeri women is true. Back in campus, T.S says he lives in Town. Speaks with this heavy English accent throwing in Sheng and English slang terms in his conversations. Only his Rs and Ls sometime seem to conflict.
Well, brothers and sisters, today I want to assure you that from TS’ place to Nyeri town, Mwathani!! You know you just go and go. And when you are done going, you continue going. You go, brothers and sisters, Telkom and its free WhatsApp vanish… you go on… go go go go… until Safaricom network is not available. Once this happens, walk another 4Kms and you are at his place… The only matatus there are these long gone face me pick up mats. Rusty is an understatement.
In one of these is where I met my Nyeri Mama. Nyeri Woman. Short, plump with a behind bigger than the future of Kenya’s Judiciary system. She sat on the face me matatu bench directly opposite mine. With the ban of plastics, I took her Kiondo for the replacement. It was old though. Beaten by age and dirt. When she came into the matatu, I was the only passenger. Well, she was good-looking I’d say. Curves and edges especially. She seemed heavy though. When she sat on the opposite side I felt like the van was going to overturn to that side.
“Hi…” she waved. Cheeky smile. As if she was inviting me to something more. Good Lord. Are these those that met Wacu at the shamba?
“Hi… Good evening. How are you?” I drained down all the English accent I have copied from TS. She seemed flattered. With this direction of talk and the smiles am now receiving, I might as well forego seeing Ts today.
“Am well. Am Stella. My friends call me S.T.L.” She said.
“Wow… Nice name. Am Gusto. My friends call me G.S.T” I responded trying to make fun.
The smile faded away. Wololo mwathani!! sasa kiherehere ilikuwa ya nini? Si I could just have given her all my names in one kisentence. I still don’t get it why people laugh. But this could have worked out here. Sasa izi ni nini nimejiletea? Nkt!! The silence was now disturbing. I had just lost a chance for meaningful engagement with a Nyeri lady. And from the look of things, this was headed somewhere. You never know. God could use such a matatu to bring good tidings to your life. Right? I thought for ages how to break the ice that had now solidified into stone. As I was busy drooling over what to say, she looked up.
Hell Breaks Loose
“Mimi by the way hutu tumat, I don’t board them. I usually take an Uber. Am headed to my grandma’s place. I live in Nairobi. I work at K.R.A. We work with D.J Moh there. He is the secretary and me, me I am just officer for bribing. They usually send me to go and teach some classes. You know they gave Githeri man a Job? And me I am the one who had cooked that Githeri and they did not call me…”
Her English was fast pacing away from her. I could feel her struggles within. She wanted to make an impression. The English slowly failing her. By now, I couldn’t get what she does let alone where she does it. Worse still, Dj Moh anaingilia wapi na usecretary? None of my business though. She went on.
“Even Chris brown usually visit with Minjiminji for Kirinyaga. Last week, they gave Maraga a standing aviation for ruling Uhuru won.”
“Even me I sit in supreme court with Phiromena Muilu. They usually pay me a lot of money to advise them. I have not bought a car because my driver lost with my first one….”
My eyes get opened
Lost as you are, I could now see how beautiful she wasn’t. Her dress was torn somewhere on the waistline. She had fingernails that seemed to have seen manicure during world war 2. Her eyelashes were something by themselves. With the invent of eye shadow and eye pencil, Hers must have been something close to eye ghost and eye charcoal. Her feet seemed to have undergone a sad phase in life with one following the bow-legged angle and the other not sure where to point at. Her one foot had a flat shoe while the other had the other pair. Only this other one was high-heeled. Ask me about it.
By now, my smile had long vanished. Wishing that she either stops talking to me lest someone comes and finds me engaging such and takes my ego down. As I wished for this, Another Nyeri woman boarded the matatu. She was also carrying a kiondo. She sat on the side that I was sitting. At least I felt the kamat balance towards my side. Then she noticed the lady still talking to me smiling.
“Aaaaaa… Ciku, ni wewe?!! Heh! Na umepotea. Unajua tangu upate ire miiba ya piri ya Ndegwa sijawahikuona tena. Kazi ya makaa inakupereka aje? Na huyu ni nani? Ama ndiye baba ya mtoto wa tatu. Unajua wewe na wanume mnaperekanaga hifi…”
She waved her hand with her pointing and middle finger crossed together. Ciku nodded as if in agreement. Then she looked my way.
“Habari yako kijana?”
Jeeeesu!! This is going to be one long ride.